Brief to the President
[September 28, 2020, 9:00AM]
Subject: Progress on Operation Cain
To Mr. President,
Please actually read this brief. We’re willing to give you a treat if you do. Remember that rapper you freed from Sweden? There’s a guy that white people sometimes confuse him with. His name is Travis Scott. He has a new meal out at McDonalds. We’ll get you one and you can tweet about it. It’ll be great.
Now that we have your attention, we wanted to provide an update on the progress of Operation Cain. We’ve finished stationing campaign headquarters in the Black areas of 15 major metros across the United States. Tomorrow we’ll announce that if you win the election the first thing you’ll do is offer reparations in the amount of $100,000 to every n — , er I mean Afro-American that currently resides in the land of the brave, home of the freeloaders.
Obviously your core voter base won’t be pleased. We’ve got that covered. Tonight on Fox News they’ll announce that you’re planning on outlawing firearm ownership for Afro-Americans after the reparations go out. You’ll come out tomorrow and say that they’re lying. But you’ll smile a bit.
We’ve built the special voting machines. They’re being transported to the negro voting centers as I write this. Someone just informed me I can’t say negro anymore, even in a written brief. Since when? This country is going to shit.
We’ve arranged the transportation tubes as well. Just as we discussed, when a negro votes for Sleepy Joe, they’ll be discreetly sucked into the machine and transported to the underground chamber. We’ve also decided to do the same for every third negro who votes for you Mr. President. As we all know, negro radicalization can happen at any time. Better safe than sorry.
What we need from you Mr. President is to decide if you’ll address all of them before we complete the plan. In my experience, it’s good to share a few words with people before you shoot them into space, but by no means is it necessary. That being said, I think we’d be remiss not to share with them how noble their absence from the great American project will be, and how their contribution to making America great will never be forgotten.
